Stop. Go back up and click on that picture! Take a moment and look hard at it. there are words upon words. It’s a jumbled mess that many us go through on a daily basis. I am sure that many of you reading this right now have experienced many of these words or phrases being thrown out at you.
Are these you words or your feelings? Probably not. It’s time for us to take back our own lives and be us for a change. Many of you know parts of my story. You don’t know everything! It would take soooo many blogs for me to tell it all.
I have talked about my suicide attempt on April 12, 2014 in a previous post. What wasn’t mentioned were the numerous breakdowns I had in the 6 months leading up to that suicide attempt. I was literally a mess
As a reminder I came out at the end of August to everyone, rather quickly. I thought I was going to be the happiest person on earth at this point. Yeah I was pretty wrong! I had this overwhelming sense of emotion come into my life. I met a guy and started to hang out with him. I also was exploring my sexuality. I was going to bars more and more. And I was talking to guys because it was new to me.
I was also being told more and more things about myself. Getting words tossed at me through dating apps, social media, and face to face. This was getting into my head. This went on for about a month and then I was raped.
That’s when I really went downhill for the first time. My life started to fall apart because I wasn’t talking. I wasn’t seeking help. I wasn’t being me. I let the words and actions of others dictate me.
I had a break down, complete and utter breakdown. I was at a bar, drank uncontrollably, drove from that bar in Detroit to Belleville, 24 miles away. I don’t remember anything past the 3rd bottle of beer. I made a fool of myself and could have hurt someone in the process. I only know what happened by what I was told.
I was told that I drove to the guy’s apartment I was dating. When I arrived, which was around 3:00 am, I started repeatedly ringing his doorbell. He was in a sleeping haze caused by sleeping pills and his friend told me to leave. At this point I called my ex-wife to come get me, only I didn’t know where I was. The only instructions I gave her was get off the freeway and that there was a gas station turn there and find the big yellow billboard.
She somehow found me slumped over on the stoop, scratching my arms in a break down. I needed medical attention for the breakdown I was going through and she took me to the hospital. At this time I was placed in psychiatric treatment, only I was not ready to talk about the rape. I was ready to start talking about the things floating around in my head. I drew this one day:
These were just some of the words floating around. There were literally thousands. When I came out I came out hard. Social media, in person, every where. I heard such a great out pouring of positive things and was happy to share those, but I also receive many negative responses, most of which I did not share.
But I let those words dictate who I was instead of being me. I let them continue to dictate who I was for way too long. I allowed them to control me in interactions with family, friends, loved ones. This became my normal. If someone said something slightly negative to me, I became self deprecating. I destroyed any attempt to continue conversation with that person through the self deprecating behavior and negative attitude until either they blocked me or i blocked them.
I let these actions control who i was for far too long. believe me I still have self doubts about myself. Every now and then a word gets in there and I don’t push it out quick enough and I start to destroy something. But I am learning to real myself in quicker. Learning to take a break from a conversation to calm down. Or even just walking away from a conversation in order not to destroy something that may be there.
We cannot control what others say about us, but we can control what we say about our selves, we can control our actions, I choose to be who I am!
As I was gathering information for today’s blog a few posts came into my stream on face book I asked if I could share with you:
This is Pup Rusty, he’s a pretty popular pup. A lot of us know him, have heard of him, look up to him even. Today he posted this pic. the fourth comment on the post started talking about his clothes.
Doggies don’t wear latex and nikes
This seems innocuous enough, until pup rusty defends himself by posting a cute picture
Of course the guy has to come back with a comment which you know is directed at Pup Rusty at this point:
Oh yeah only sissy chihuahuas
Pup does the normal reaction many of us have and tells the guy “It seems like you are an Idiot” This results in the great reaction from the guy “Wow you do know how to google ‘dogs in latex’. Idiots are people that dress dogs like that. See the miserable look on the dogs face” This is all the result of a lack of understanding other people and their lifestyles.
The Pup and I talked about this interaction and he said the most amazing thing to me:
Well – You will have everywhere people they have to say something about you. And you should know for yourself what you do is right or not. Best way remove the people from your life. I know who I am and i dont need another person To say who i am.
Not sure if this is a place to post but as a pup I feel very unaccepted by those around me. I feel more isolated and lonely then ever before. Any other pup feel this way?
Worthless – having no real value or use.
I been chatting with people who been feeling this way, mainly because they’re depress, have anxiety, and feel lonely.
People who I been talking to have been told they don’t fit in, that the don’t deserve a spot at the cool kids table, that they’re ugly, fat, talentless, a nobody…worthless.
To a lot of people I’m a no body, I’m to skinny, crazy, weird, unattractive, four eyes because I wear thick glasses and in their eyes I’m……worthless.
So let me tell you to those who were told that you’re worthless. You’re beautiful, smart, fun, cool and you’re …..unique.
So when someone wants to bring you down remember that they’re only doing that to make themselves feel good for the horrible shit that’s going on in their life. They only do that because they most likely was told they were a nobody and by treating you like shit is a way to get notice.
We all have problems, drama, emotions that we deal with and some of us have it harder then others and have to fight extra hard to get through the day as well fight to wanna live another day.
I have my share of crap but I’m strong enough to get through it, I’m strong enough to help others get through it, strong enough to wanna help other to see another day.
So when someone tells you that you’re worthless, remember to read this, you’re fucking awesome and no one out there can tell you different, and if you have to repeat it to yourself over and over because one day you see that it is true and by seeing that, you’ll see that you’re not worthless.
The point of this story is that you cannot allow others to cloud your head with their words! As Dr. Seuss says:
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.
Love ya all, Pup Bayard
Check out my facebook page for #bewhoYOUare
Go and post a picture and tell everyone who you are!