Whenever you turn on your TV, you will undoubtedly be greeted by some has-been celebrity practically dying for attention and presumably money. It will most likely be the case that he or she has not been relevant in the public consciousness for five, ten, maybe even twenty years, and you probably haven’t heard that person’s name aside from the horrible world of celebrity game shows. That being said, what are they still doing here?

For every celebrity who has actually earned his or her fame, there’s plenty of people who exploit the culture of celebrity in order to gain fame and a career, sometimes by doing nothing of worth to society. These people stay famous by appearing on game shows, comedy panel shows, chat shows, and reality TV shows. U.S.’s and Britain’s TV lineup is dominated by these shows, and of those shows, reality TV shows are often the most shameless way of promoting fake celebrities. This is done in shows like The X FactorDancing with the StarsCelebrity Juice (a show that I’m honestly surprised anyone actually watches), and Celebrity Name Game.

Nothing says more about the country’s torrid celebrity culture more than any of those mentioned, which, despite being a mouldy cabaret of pestilent garbage, still remains as highly popular shows amongst TV viewers, and perhaps that’s the only reason any celebrity is still on TV. I’ve seen them on TV many years ago, and I remember some of them for being some of the worst people on the planet. Even today it’s extremely baffling that they still have a mass audience. In fact, they are the worst examples of talentless morons who exploit public adoration of celebrity status for profit. Most of the “celebrities” on TV are either D-list celebrities (the famous for being famous celebrities), Z-list celebrities (people who at one point were genuine celebrities, but then plummeted to rock bottom and now only appear in TV), or just the kind of low-life slobs who always appear on reality TV. You can always count on your old favorite from that show you watched 20 years ago to show up once and you think to yourself “what the fuck happened to him?” Speaking of which…I’m waiting for someone like Brendan Fraser to show up on some new celebrity-centered TV show. That’s a guy who I really like but has really let himself go.

This business of celebrity also seems to be the sole aspect of the career of the average comedian. Many of the most successful comedians are the ones appearing in comedy panel shows, where they can bank on the whole celebrity angle without doing much to earn it. Shows that seem to be scripted by other comedians and having the face of a known comedian as the one who delivers the joke…I swear @midnight on Comedy Central is scripted. These fellated celebrity shows pollute the airwaves with their self-satisfied fumes like the SUV’s of the entertainment industry, and gullible TV viewers continue to guzzle it up so much that they have no idea what they’re seeing or hearing. I love you Betty White but you seem to be a target for any TV trash show to boost their non-existent rating.

TV isn’t the only platform they have. The real pulling power comes from the tabloids constantly spewing shock headlines about the celebrities that go on TV (often accompanied by sleazy pictures of them inside the newspapers). It’s the tabloids that make those low-lives famous because TV is all they care about. Therefore, the business of celebrity is heavily dependent on the tabloids because, despite being an extremely dated medium, they still have the potential to give people who didn’t do anything worth their fifteen minutes of fame, and if the tabloids aren’t enough, there’s always Twitter. After all, nothing exemplifies the increasing intellectual degeneracy of mankind more than Twitter. Of course we’re not talking about the true garbage tabloids that blatently lie on their covers…but the ones who mildly give half-truths to put some has-been on and using the titles that say these has-beens are on the ‘brink of self-destruction.’

The only reason celebrity culture exists in the way we see it today is that it has such an effective business model. If it accomplishes anything, it’s proving that you can never go broke appealing to the lowest common denominator, and that’s the culture we’ve created here. The only consolation is that, after the worst of these celebrities die, nobody gives a damn anymore, but then that point is moot because there’s somebody to replace them, and on and on the cycle goes until the industry eventually collapses. Until then, expect here the names of fame-hungry charlatans over and over again for as long as TV exists. Finding out some of these celebrity net worths is laughable. Many of these has-beens are so poor that you or I would be toe-to-toe financially if it weren’t for their rare or common TV appearances. Heck, I didn’t even take a second to mention a single Kardashian.


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