Star Trek “Beyond” All Hope 

I literally just got home from seeing this in the theater in 3D. So here’s my review as a lifelong fan of everything Star Trek, and as someone who’s seen every film and every episode of every television series in the franchise. And if you don’t believe me, I’ve got an autographed picture of Michael Dorn I’ll sell you for  $100. And one of Leonard Nimoy. And I watched them both sign them. Nimoy one isn’t for sale. 

Stop. Just fucking stop now. If you love me, you’ll stop. I want my money back. Even the popcorn, soda and Twizzler money. I wouldn’t have needed to spend  $30 on that if I’d known ahead of time to avoid this steaming land fill piece of nonsensical garbage. 

Where to begin? The actors did their jobs just fine. The effects were fine. The directing, score and all of that was fine. J. J. Abrams did produce it after all. But I have absolutely no idea what the fuck I just watched. The flaw, and apparently this isn’t considered to be crucial for Star Trek anymore, was the unbelievable mess of a screenplay. 

I don’t know what was going through Abrams’s mind, but he signed off on it. It was written by at least 5 people. But only two are actually credited. Simon Pegg (Scotty) and something named Doug Jung. I didn’t write “something” in error. Because I don’t know what Mr. Jung is, but I know he’s not a film writer. And obviously neither is Simon Pegg. 

This will be full of spoilers, so if you want to waste your money, don’t read further. There’s some extremely powerful weapon, found by someone, on some planet? But apparently the villain, played as best he could by the great Idris Elba, knows everything about it. Somehow. And I know what you’re thinking. Something even more powerful than the means to destroy entire planets with artificially created black holes? No. Just some kind of poisonous gas that vaporizes people. And not even quickly. Nothing at all is ever explained about it. And the villain is actually a 200 year old human who crashed on a planet in a nebula, who found some “ancient” “technology” to live indefinitely by absorbing the life of others. And somehow he integrated this “technology” into himself, because he doesn’t need anything but his touch to do it. And, of course, he’s really pissed off at the Federation. Not because he’s a Romulan who watched helplessly as his planet and family were obliterated. No, some other reason that makes no sense. Nero, while not being an original name, at least was an original character with some reasoning put into him. This guy is merely a shitty placeholder. Krall. It’s even a shitty name. 

So, some weak weapon, sought by a placeholder character, who has a fleet of weird little ships that destroy the Enterprise in a matter of minutes. If I didn’t know better, I’d assume an 8 year old wrote this. 

This is easily the worst one Paramount has put out. I thought it couldn’t get worse than Star Trek Insurrection. Which, by the way, was basically a plagiarized plot from an actually good novel written by William Shatner. (Or ghostwritten. Doesn’t matter. It was decent.) But of course they took a good piece of writing and turned it into shit. I was wrong. Star Trek Beyond is hands down the worst. If I were you, I’d wait for it to come to Redbox and spend no more than a buck fifty on it. For the purposes of forensic analysis only. Don’t expect to enjoy it. Beyond is apropos. It’s definitely beyond shit. Beyond help. It might even make the franchise beyond saving. 

Jesus this was godawful. Why did Abrams greenlight this screenplay? Is the ONLY goal anymore to make money? Fans be damned, we gotta make a quick half billion! Fuck you for releasing this Paramount. The failure of this film was…wait for it…paramount! Pun very much intended. 

To my fellow Star Trek fans, I ask you this: do you honestly think that Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan would’ve been as good as it was without the very thorough explanation of WHY Khan was stealing “Genesis”? Or even just what the hell it was? I doubt it. I really do. And if you’ll recall, they put a whole video presentation into the film to make it very simply understood. I can’t even remember what this…thing was called, and I saw it 12 hours ago!!

If action is all that Star Trek is anymore, Roddenberry’s dream is dead. That’s pretty sad.

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