Why Would Anyone Vote for This Man?

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We are less than a month from the most freakish election our embattled nation has ever witnessed, and we are left with four profoundly unsavory choices for president, each with their own varying degree of repugnance. However, there is one candidate who stands out among the rest, a glaring abnormality who is so unrelentingly terrible that it begs the question: Who in the hell honestly thinks that this man should be president?

I live in a small rural town of about 700 people, a majority of whom are Trump supporters, and they will most assuredly be voting for him in the general election. I’m surrounded by a lot of other small rural towns that are also chock full of Trump supporters. I see Trump yard signs and Trump bumper stickers everywhere I go and it’s disturbing. For the life of me, I cannot fathom how anyone in their right mind could possibly believe that the nation would somehow be better under a Donald Trump presidency. It’s maddening.

Who looks at this obnoxiously vulgar oaf, who has a myriad of failed business ventures, filed for bankruptcy no less than four times, had two failed marriages, five kids from three different women, is estimated to be $1 billion dollars in debt, and has no respect for anyone or anything, not even that which most conservatives hold sacred, and says to themselves, “That guy is gonna make America great again!”? What is wrong with these people? And why are they allowed to drive?

What exactly has Donald Trump accomplished in his lifetime to make anyone think that he is qualified to run for the highest office in the world? His only successful business endeavor was the fake one that he ran on his “reality” TV program, The Apprentice. Did they think that was a real show? All he did was make crude, misogynistic remarks and tell everyone, “You’re fired!”. If that’s the case, then your horrible boss is qualified to run for president. Would you vote for him?

That is perhaps the most mind-boggling aspect of this election: Donald Trump is everything that the average blue collar American working man despises about this country; a lazy, stupid man-child who has never worked a day in his life, never delivers on his promises, and gets paid for doing practically nothing. And yet, they seem to think that he will lead them to the promised land of cheap champaigne, fake gold, and Russian mail-order brides. He’s almost like some sort of modern-day Pied Piper, getting the rats all excited with his incessant flute-playing. They are blindly drawn to his off-color obscenities, his predatory treatment of women, and his braggadocious demeanor, because they’ve grown accustomed to watching it on TV for forty years.

It’s difficult to comprehend how they can tie their own shoelaces without strangling themselves, much less figure out how a voting booth works. But nevertheless, they will be casting their vote for a man who lost a billion dollars running a casino because they think he’ll be good for the economy.

It’s hard not to hope that it’s some sort of bad dream. That you’ll wake up and the country won’t be brimming with such deplorable excuses for human beings. But alas, they’ll all still be here tomorrow, regardless of who’s president. Remember, there’s only one Donald Trump. There are millions of Trump supporters.

Please watch out for them. They have cars.

Editor-in-chief note: anyone have buyer’s remorse yet?

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