How To Get Committed

Many people know I am considered by the state of Missouri to be mentally incapacitated. Therefore, at the ripe age of 20, my rights were stripped and I became a ward of the state. This means I live in lockdown in a modern mental institution. These are normally found as a subset in nursing homes. It comes as a shock to many that I live in these conditions. The question is usually, “How does one go from a perfectly sane young person to a slave of the mental illness system?” In this article, I will offer a simple, satirical guide of how to get yourself committed based on my own experience.

First things first, you need a rough childhood. This should include (but not limited to) one or more personal traumas, rejection or persecution by family, being constantly belittled by peers, and the eventual premature departure of one’s nest. This is an essential part of any person’s mental undoing, as it will set in motion the rest of the happenings necessary for insanity.

Next, you need to start building unhealthy habits. Begin slowly. Start smoking, have the occasional line of cocaine, compulsively masturbate. After a while of doing these things, you can graduate to heftier elements of self-abuse, such as regular use of methamphetamine or heroin, physical self-harm and of course the masochistic relationship with an abusive partner.

Next, you must isolate from the world and concentrate on feeding your addictions, especially drugs. This will give a general sense of dysphoria and is conducive to depression. The drug that is best to focus on when trying to achieve mental instability is methamphetamine, as it causes great paranoia and introvert behavior.

Next, you must get locked up where your behavior (which should now be unorthodox, to say the least) can be observed and reported. Hospital or jail will do. Just make sure you do something to where they will keep you longer than twenty-four hours, and if you can do something to get locked in seclusion, do it. This will intensify your need to make something happen, to make yourself be heard.

Now we are almost to our goal! Next, you need corrupt staff of your lockdown institute to tell your family of your insane behavior, out of concern of course. Here is the tricky part. Your family must be embarrassed enough by your behavior that want to silence you, send you away. So, they must petition the court to make you a ward of the state.

The final key lies within yourself; ignorance. An attorney will now approach you, telling you that there is a solution to your problem. If you merely sign the dotted line, the state will get you a safe place to live and get you back on your feet. Do not ask questions, just sign. Now your Power Of Attorney is no longer yours and you are, in essence, the Devil’s bitch.

Now you will be part of the great medicaid machine. You will live in nursing homes, be given an allowance of thirty to fifty dollars per month to live on, be told when to eat, be told who you can see and when, among a myriad of other restrictions. The best part is, your chances of emancipation are slim! So enjoy yourself, because your fate is more than likely sealed.