Author: Tony Wilson
If you spend enough time on Facebook, you’re bound to run across a meme shared from the page of a one Mr. David “Avocado” Wolfe. They are everywhere. Chances are, you’ve already seen at least one, and one of your friends is probably following him.
But who is David “Avocado” Wolfe? Why are his memes everywhere? Why has he adopted “Avocado” as his middle name? Some of these questions will be answered below…
The memes are innocuous enough on their own merit; They typically consist of some meaningless motivational drivel, empty self-affirmations, vague spiritual nonsense, or some self-righteous bullshit about being a good person. However, I’ve found that none of the memes he shares are actually his own, just ones he finds and watermarks with his Facebook URL, which is tantamount to plagiarism.
Come to think of it, his very first book, entitled “Nature’s First Law”, published in 1998, is almost entirely stolen, word-for-word, from Arshavir Ter Hovannessian’s book “Raw Eating”, published sometime in the 1960s. That’s actual plagiarism.
But that’s not even the worst thing about him. If you follow David’s page, you might also notice that he posts a lot of food-related things about “natural”, “organic” and “healthy” living.
Seems harmless, right? A nice guy who’s environmentally conscious tries to be a good person and encourages everyone to eat healthy. What could be wrong with that?
A lot, as it turns out.
On his website, David describes himself as “the rock star and Indiana Jones of the superfoods and longevity universe”, whatever the fuck THAT means. That sounds like some shit Charlie Sheen says to himself in the mirror after he brushes his teeth with cocaine.
Wait, it gets weirder.
Take note that David has no Wikipedia page, which is curious for a guy that has over 2.3 million followers on Facebook. He did have one, at some point, but it was deleted because Wikipedia doesn’t allow “unambiguous promotion or advertising”.
His website boasts that he has spoken at over a thousand conferences, but that’s only because he was there to promote one of the many products or companies that sponsor him, none of which are FDA approved because many of them are either harmful or don’t do what they claim to. Or both.
Take, for example, his “deer antler extract” which goes for $75 a bottle on his online store. The bottles are 2 oz.
Why the fuck would someone pay $75 for a two-ounce bottle of deer antler extract? I’ll let David explain that himself: “Energies are flowing out of the cosmos—or they’re flowing out of the earth and up—and they’re being concentrated in certain substances, like a deer’s antler. So when you take a deer antler product, that’s not some sort of joke, that’s not ‘Oh, we’re taking some sort of supplement now,’ that’s a very deeply intuitive read that many sages in the history of our planet tuned into, because they know the prana is concentrated right there.”
Oooh, mystifying! Sages, energies, cosmos…and prana, whatever the fuck that shit is. Kind of makes me feel like getting stoned and watching The Dark Crystal. You ever see that movie? It’s amazing.
But wait, there’s more! “Deer antler is not a product. It’s a cosmic substance.” (and the cosmos has decided that it costs $37.99 per ounce) “And it’s an androgenic substance, by the way, very androgenic. And it needs to be taken with respect and understanding, which is why we’ve been getting into this whole thing about estrogenic forces and then androgenic forces. You gotta know that deer antler is an androgenic force. And why? Because it’s cosmic in nature. It’s elevating. It’s levitational in nature.”
Folks, I don’t think the term “bullshit” is strong enough to describe what you have just read. Maybe “horseshit”, but even that’s too mild.
Let me see if I got this straight; It’s cosmic in nature, because it’s androgenic. And it’s androgenic because it’s cosmic in nature. Oh, and levitation. Yeah, that’s a cool word, let’s throw that in there.
After his “informative talks” at these conferences (like the one you just read), David will usually direct you to his website, where you can enroll in his nutritional certificate program. That’s right, folks! For the low, low price of just $799, you can be David Wolfe certified! And if you act now, we’ll throw in a free NutriBullet Raw Food Processor, for only $49.95 shipping and handling!
David presents himself as a health and wellness expert, or “guru” (which is a nomenclature that should automatically send up a huge red flag in your brain whenever you hear it), but in all actuality, he is merely a slimy salesman that has made a fortune out of preying on the spiritually gullible. Normally, I would admire him for that, were he not such an insufferable creep.
He lures people in with his warm and fuzzy memes, giving the outward appearance that he’s a good person. He also uses the “appeal to nature” technique, the laughably false notion that everything natural is good for you, and anything unnatural is bad for you. And he uses the tried-and-true method of con artists everywhere, commonly known as “gish-galloping”, which is the act of laying so much bullshit on your target at once that they don’t have time to process it (I’ve illustrated this in my examples above). Then he combines these tactics to shill products from his own website so he can make money off of you.
Think of it like this; you meet a guy, seems nice enough, does nice things, maybe he’s a good listener and gives you friendly advice. Then he gets you alone and you find out that the only reason he’s been so nice is because he’s been trying to fuck you the whole time.
Which was literally the case for several women who have taken to the internet to tell their stories about how David Wolfe molested them or spiked their drinks with ecstasy while they were attending one of his posh and expensive island “retreats” (aka “Tropical Date Rapes”). A quick Google search reveals a disturbing number of similar tales about women being groped or receiving other sexual advances by David.
You might also be disturbed to learn that David speaks often of his parents, who were both doctors and allegedly endowed him with a good sense of values (or so he claims), but his father (who he says is Iranian, but is actually German, hence the surname “WOLFE”) is currently in prison for murdering his second wife by shooting her twice in the head. Sounds like a real wholesome family, doesn’t it?
But hey, let’s not judge the guy for his father’s crimes. We’ll leave that for Christianity to do.
Instead, let’s listen to David in his own words, as he describes the benefits of chocolate…
“Chocolate lines up planetarily with the sun. Chocolate is an octave of male energy. It’s on the same octave as serotonin, the sun, a smile, or gold. It’s just on a different metaphysical plane.”
You know what? Fuck it. Disregard everything I just said. If you take your advice from a guy who says shit like that, you deserve whatever happens to you.