A Porno Tape, A 9/11 Benefit, and the Wrath of My Mother

 

One thing it seems that we are contractually obligated to never forget as Americans were the horrific events that took place on September 11, 2001. It was a time that as tragic as the events were that day it instilled a sense of patriotism inside Americans that had been lost for quite some time. The American flag was waving on every doorstep. Fellow countrymen were coming out in waves to help one another at a time when our nation needed unity more than ever. Among those people looking to lend a hand was my own Mother. For this story about to unfold here let’s just go ahead and stick with the classic name of Mom. She is a classic, indeed; a very generous, kind-hearted woman with an all American upbringing in middle of nowhere Missouri instilled with Christian values and the constant “simpler times” mentality. It was after the events of 9/11 that she put forth what she had accumulated in life and try to give back to her country to try and support the greater good. The only thing that could potentially stand in her way of achieving all of this was one of the filthiest porno tapes that the midwest had to offer.

Mom had worked for months planning this benefit that would go to one of the several 9/11 relief funds at the time. She had used all of her connections she had in our small town to receive as much press and support as humanly possible and people were more than willing in light of recent events. Mom had even involved the President of my high school’s student council (imagine Reese Witherspoon in the movie Election) to assist her in this endeavor and had even booked my high school as her venue. All the ducks were in a row and the entire community was behind her in supporting our nation so it was especially a big deal that I come and attend to help and see the results of all of her hard work. Naturally, I had no excuse not to oblige this request. So, the weekend of the event I had made it a point not to get too obliterated with my friends so that I could go to this event and be able to stand up straight and not smell like dog shit and cheap booze in front of the whole town. The day of the event arrives and I promptly have my friend, Floyd, take me home to get ready for the event which she, my step-father, and her entourage were already at. I go upstairs to my room to get a change of clothes and notice that something seems to be missing from the top of my dresser. Panic, fear, death, and the stories of Hell all swiftly just kicked me in the guts at the same time.

My TV/VCR combo was gone. I knew that she had taken it with her to use at her event but she had never told me she was going to do so. This wouldn’t be a problem what so ever of course if there hadn’t been one of the most haggard ass porno tapes in the world in the VCR whenever she took it. I knew at this moment that much like the actors and actresses in the film, I was fucked.

Every possible scenario ran through my head as to the possibilities of how this could potentially not only ruin her event but ruin my life! Just imagining her giving a warm encouraging speech and then turning on my TV/VCR combo and having a giant cock appear on screen showering a woman with his knuckle butter in a very low budget way. I yell to my friend Floyd that we have to hurry up and get out there otherwise I may not make it to graduation. He asked why he needed to go and, since he was my only ride, I blackmailed him and said I was going to hold him accountable as well because I ended up stealing the tape from him in the first place and she’s gonna want to know where I got it. The alarm then kicked in for both of us and we were out the door in two seconds. We had to get to my high school and stop my Mom from playing that porno tape at her 9/11 benefit.
We speed across town in his 80’s Ford Pinto and like the fastest riding lawn mower in the block screeched to a halt in a parking spot as close to the front entrance as possible. Mom had had the whole high school on lockdown for her event and had utilized every possible space in the building so the TV/VCR could be anywhere. Floyd and I burst through the front doors with authority with our “on a mission” attitudes and then things got very quiet. We started walking through the halls trying to be unnoticed when we got to the cafeteria and I could hear her. Right then and there my Mom was giving her speech that she had practiced for several days. I was expecting her to see me and begin to slowly levitate from behind her podium and float over and kill me in the cafeteria next to the hot lunch line. She spotted us. She pulled a vintage Mom move of acknowledging with a smile but not letting on to there being any problems and continued talking. I had noticed that she was only halfway through her speech. We still had time to find this tape and the TV was not in there. We bolted.

Searching the common areas, the library, and everywhere in between, we couldn’t find this god damned thing. We finally had one last place came upon, the gymnasium. This is where Mom had all the local restaurants and eateries bring their food to and was packed with others wondering about sampling some local eats and getting their fill on as much free stuff that they could. We went up and down a few aisles looking and then there it was. The TV/VCR combo was perched on an old-timey school desk and was already turned on. However, there were no boobs, butts, sluts, or sets of nuts on screen. It was an informational video all about 9/11 and the participating charities and relief funds that were associated with the event. Darkness washed over me as I knew that the jig was up. I don’t know where this tape was but I knew that my Mom had it somewhere and that she was going to tear me a new two bedroom, one and a half bath double wide asshole whenever she got a hold of me.

Now, even though my Mom is as nice of a person as she is, within her “simpler times” mentality, she was raised in Grundy County Missouri and was no stranger to taking care of business on her children with a wooden spoon. As I feared my future ass splinters I turned to Floyd and said, “What the hell am I going to do, man? As soon as she’s done with her speech we’re fuckin’ toast!” Floyd turned to me and said with a mouth full of fried food, “Yeah man, that really sucks, but did you see all the Long John Silvers they’ve got here? Dude, your Mom wasn’t messing around when she said there was gonna be food.”

“Goddamnit, man!” I replied. “We’ve gotta avoid her and try to delay the inevitable for as long as we can. Let’s just dip down to the movie theater for a little bit to hide out. Wait for things to end and wrap up here, and then I’ll come back to walk the line to old sparky and save her from not making a scene in public.”

“Perfect plan,” Floyd said. “Let me grab some of this fish and let’s go check out 13 Ghosts and see if it is any good.”

We 007’d our way out of our high school dodging any low to high-level authority figure that may be able to give away our whereabouts. We go to our local cinema that was a block away and seek shelter in the theater. Not even Matthew Lillard’s terrible acting and cheesy special effects could keep us from thinking about the true horrors that were to come once we returned. We held out for as long as we could even, waiting for the last line of text in the ending credits. The lights came back on and my friend and I looked at each other like it was going to be our last walk back to high school together. We sauntered back to our school and went in the front doors again. This time with not as much purpose or enthusiasm before, but with the expectations of motherly doom being rained upon us both. Then, she appeared.

“Hey, guys! Thank you so much for coming!” She said with great enthusiasm. “Did Y’all make sure and get something to eat? Sorry, I didn’t get to talk to you two much. It’s just been a busy busy day and I am pooped. How are you two doing?”

I was in shock but I knew that this much just be a trick. There were still people around and perhaps she was wanting a more personal punishment and was not wanting to involve Floyd. I knew that she must be setting me up for something big. She was going to savor this fashionable display of discipline whenever it was the right time. We had helped her with some last minute clean up, grabbed my TV and then booked it out of there. Floyd, being in the clear, dropped me off at home and then speed to safety to his house. Then the waiting game was on.

I stayed in my room just waiting for it to be kicked open. Never did. I saw my Mom later that night and there were conversations of success and things going smoothly. Not one mention of the

It never did.

I saw my Mom later that night, and there were conversations of success and things going smoothly; not one mention of the porno tape what so ever. The next day again, nothing. Few more days pass by and there is absolutely no word or sign at all that she’s going to have my head on a spike. Until a few days later, Mom was off to the store one evening and my step-father walks in the living room like a shady drug dealer and throws a tape on the couch and says, “Might want to watch out where ya leave that, Bud.” and then walks away like nothing ever happened. I was fucking floored. Step-Dad with the assist! I felt a minor sense of victory and getting away with it, but there was still the little hint of wonder of “is Mom just playing it cool? Is she waiting for the right time to strike? Is this a part of the game she’s playing? Is my Step Dad on surveillance right now playing some sort of Saw scenario?”

These questions ran through my mind for years. Every holiday. Every family gathering. I was just waiting for it to happen and my Mom to get to the comfortable point in her head of busting me out in front of everyone on how I embarrassed her in front of the whole town with my fuck tape. Yet nothing ever happened. I lived in fear for years from 2002 until 2015. After 13 years the silence was finally broken. I was out to lunch with Mom one day and discussing all the antics and mischief that I had caused as a teenager and playfully making fun of my follies when I found a moment to strike and bring it up. There was a moment of silence after a laugh and I had stated, “Yeah, I’m still surprised that you really didn’t tear my head off in regards to the porno tape at your 9/11 benefit.” She stopped laughing. She took a sip of her drink and wiped her mouth with her napkin and then looked straight into my eyes and said, very confused, “What on earth are you talking about?”

“Wait, What? You don’t know? Did you ever know? Did your husband ever tell you?”

“I have no clue what you’re talking about,” She said, “and I don’t remember anything about a tape at all. What in God’s name are you talking about?”
“Holy shit!” I shouted. I couldn’t fucking believe it! After 13 years of stress, anxiety, panic, and fear of waiting for the wrathful wooden spoon to kill me, she had no idea! I proceeded to tell her the entire story that I had just unfolded for you here. Not to my surprise, she had laughed so hard you’d think that Richard Pryor had risen from the grave and was giving her a personal show. She was completely clueless the entire time and my step-father never said a single word about it to her, EVER! I was in the clear after all this time. With what I thought was going to be the end of my life and high school career turned out to be just a figment of my fearful imagination. I thought at the time that I was going to tarnish my Mother’s good deed to her country and was going to soil her image with the community. I happened to luck out on this one, boys and girls. What I thought was going to be a disastrous encounter in my teenage years turned out to be one of the more humorous stories ever told to a mother, from her son at lunchtime.

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